Can i really do this?

This is a hard post for me, but I am honoring my mom’s memory by healing and becoming stronger. A few months ago, my beautIful, loving mama passed away. I had been spending more time with her and wanted nothing more than to make her happy and to not be in pain. I hope I at least made her happy.
Everyday, I wished I could take away her pain. Everyday it got worse. And, everyday, she asked me why “all of this started”. I didn’t have an answer. My mom, who was always so healthy, was stricken with pulmonary fibrosis, rheumatoid arthritis, and osteoarthritis. When she became bedridden, she developed drop foot, then drop wrist. At one point, she was on so much medication that she even developed Stevens-Johnson Syndrome (SJS). But, I brushed her hair and her teeth, I washed her face and put lotion on her. I put chapstick on her lips. I helped my dad as much as I could. I could see he was getting worn down (he often wouldn’t let us help; I think he was trying to protect us). And, you know what? I would do it all again!
Then the time came when her body could just no longer go on. As much as I wanted, and still want, my mama back on this earth, I’m glad she isn’t suffering anymore. But, I miss her. I miss my mama everyday. It hurts so bad that I don’t know how to go on each day.
If you can’t tell by now, I love the outdoors. I always have. I love hiking, camping, kayaking, cycling, etc. Just being outside is therapeutic for me. And this is where being outside helped me. During the last few weeks with mom, I also lost my job. But that was a blessing in disguise. I had time on my hands and took advantage of it. I went hiking, I slept, I walked, I rode my bike, I spent a lot of time with Luna, my beautiful Aussie/Border Collie service dog. And, I journaled. I wrote. I cried. I hiked. I sat in the outdoors. I didn’t hold back. But, all the while, I kept thinking “Can I really do this?”.
I woke up everyday and thought to myself “Can I really do this?” And, I guess the answer is yes, because I’m still doing it, whatever “it” is. I still get up everyday, I still go outside, I still talk to mama, I still cry, though not as often or as hard, I still journal.
I’ve had many other hardships in my life. I believe this is the hardest. And, yet, I still get up and go. I have learned a lot about mediation, the vagus nerve, and the nervous system. I’m on my way to learning even more about all of it. Now, I have to really put it into place so I can accomplish my mission: Serenity.
At the time I wrote this post (but hadn’t published it), I was heading to something that I THOUGHT I understood what it was about, but learned quickly it was nothing like I thought. It was SO much better. Stay tuned for the next HUGE step in my healing!